Poetry is all about Perception


A wave of light 

Spreads across a sea of sadness 

On the other side 
Is where it lies 

Watching the tide come in 
I lie upon a blanket of mistrust 

Waiting for the moment 
That will all change 

The waves crash 
Into the giant rocks ashore 

Beckoning to me 

Luring me in

Should I go there? 

Should I be there? 

Could it happen 
Without me knowing? 

I move toward the vast waters 

Crawling ever so slowly 

Thinking to myself 

What is there to lose?


Awakening to the Change Part Deux

Ok, so I am not crazy. I figured that part out.

But I feel like I am somehow different. Like I am morphing into a more aware version of myself. I am stepping outside of the realm of who I was, and entering into a reality of who I AM. It is quite complicated for someone who isn’t familiar with the spiritual belief system. As for me, I have been familiar with the spiritual world since I can remember.

December 21, 2012 was supposed to be the end of the world, according to the Mayan calendar. Well, fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your outlook) the Earth did not explode. Enter Marvin the Martian:

Sorry Marvin, no kaboom for you...

Sorry Marvin, no kaboom for you…

The Earth did not explode, but it was the end of the world as we know it. Meaning, the things that we grew up believing will be scrutinized and twisted around, making us wonder what is the truth and what is fiction. The punk band Bad Religion said it best, “Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.”

I am definitely trying to separate fact from fiction these days. About a week after the shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, which was surprisingly December 21st 2012, I started going on a mass “truth-seeking” excursion. What I found was simply mind-blowing, to say the least. I won’t elaborate here, mostly out of respect for the victims, but you can decide for yourself. Just go on a spiritual journey regarding any subject you would like to uncover the truth about. Type that into Google and away you go!

So, getting back to the Ascension topic.

I have read about the Ascension Flu on many websites and have made the stark realization that I myself am experiencing many of these symptoms. I will list them here, in no particular order:

Feeling as though you are in a pressure cooker or in intense energy; feeling stress.

A feeling of disorientation; not knowing where you are; a loss of a sense of place.

Unusual aches and pains throughout different parts of your body.

Waking at night between 2 and 4 a.m.

Memory loss.

‘Seeing’ and ‘hearing’ things.

Loss of identity.

Feeling ‘out of body’.

Periods of deep sleeping.

Heightened sensitivities to your surroundings.

You don’t feel like doing anything. You are in a rest period, ‘rebooting’.

An intolerance for lower vibrational things of the 3D.

A loss of desire for food. Your body is adjusting to a new, higher state of being.

You absolutely cannot do certain things anymore. When you try to do your usual routine and activities, you just can’t seem to.

Days of extreme fatigue.

A need to eat often along with what feels like attacks of low blood sugar.

Experiencing emotional ups and downs. You are crying more often.

A wanting to go Home.

Feeling like you are going insane.

Anxiety and panic.


Vivid, wild and sometimes violent dreams.

Night sweats and hot flashes. Your body is ‘heating’ up as it burns off residue.

I am sure that there are many more symptoms, but these are the most common ones that I have come across. I have experienced every single one of these symptoms, and believe me, it is not fun. But just know that if you are one of the special ones that are going through this process, you are not alone. You are going through a spiritual change for the better. Don’t be afraid. Embrace the Change!

Are YOU experiencing any of these ascension flu symptoms? Share your experiences! I would love to know how you are coping with the Change:)

Mercury in Retro-Hate

This post is dedicated to my godmother, Sonnia. 


Does it ever seem like everything is working against you at times?

You get a phone call from your bank telling you that they didn’t receive your mortgage payment, but you are looking right at the receipt that proves you did?

You arrive at work, only to find out that you left your purse on the roof of your car. You just had to stop at Starbucks beforehand and you were running late.

You arrive at the checkout line with your two carts of groceries and realize that you left your wallet at the gas station.

The blog that you posted the day before mysteriously disappeared and you have to post it. Again.


These are just a few of the scenarios that can take place during Mercury Retrograde.

What is Mercury Retrograde, you ask?

Mercury Retrograde is a period of time when the planet Mercury appears to move backwards, or retrograde. During this time, computers can go haywire, communication lines get crossed, information gets lost, and so on and so forth. This is NOT a time to start new projects, have surgeries, or take on any sort of “new” endeavor. I implore you, do not sign that contract to purchase your new home or vehicle during this time. By all means, do not write that twenty page essay for your microbiology class and send it to your professor without saving a hardcopy. That means, File: Print. Copy in hand.

That is, if your printer doesn’t start going haywire. Just saying.

I am not saying that you are not allowed to do any of the things that I mentioned above. Just do them with this in mind: add ‘RE’ to any of the words above. You will have to:

RE type that essay

RE sign that contract

RE schedule that surgery

This retrograde of Mercury happens about three times per year. Luckily for us, we are smack dab in the middle of one now! So, if your life has felt like it has been turned upside down, you can blame it on good ol’ Mercury!

Thanks, Mercury.

This particular retrograde started on February 23, 2013 and it is slated to end on March 17, 2013. So, just be on the lookout for any telltale signs that Mercury is influencing your day. It will all be over soon, so just be a bit more vigilant and you will make it through just fine.

I decided to write this blog this morning because my lovely godmother  Sonnia Spiegler, commented on my previous post titled “Maybe we should’t have gone all the way on our first time out“, and it was deleted.  She commented on how she loved my post and I should continue writing. I thanked her in a reply post, then noticed a typo in my blog. I proceeded to edit my post, RE published it, and the comments were nowhere to be found. I cursed Mercury for being so retarded, and immediately started writing this new blog post.

So, thank you Mercury. No, really. You have done enough.

It may have been user error on my part, but I am still blaming it on Mercury.


Go to www.findyourfate.com to see more about Mercury Retrograde.


Maybe we shouldn’t have gone all the way on our first time out

My husband and I try to fit exercise into our daily routine whenever we can. Exercising for us usually consists of taking a nice brisk walk through our neighborhood, about two to three miles an evening.

We both work sedentary desk jobs, which give us little to no opportunity for exercise. He works in the office, while I work from home. We have pretty much the same job duties which include staring at a computer monitor for eight to ten hours a day. No exercising here. Not unless you consider walking across the building for a restroom break as exercise.

Like I said, we try to fit exercise in whenever we can. That means that we sometimes forego our walks for a week or more. It’s not something that I like to do. Walking makes me feel good and the more I do it, the better I feel.

This evening, my husband asked me if I wanted to go walking. We hadn’t been out for over a week, so I agreed. We put on our walking shoes and left the house. Shortly after we left, my muscles started hating me. I started regretting the fact that we had not been walking on a daily basis.

As we started into our second mile, I made a comment about our walk.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have gone all the way on our first time out.”

Meaning maybe we should have only walked half the distance that we normally would have. Only because I was starting to feel a bit worn out.

My husband looked at me with a funny look on his face and I immediately realized why. We both started cracking up about what I had just said.

Those moments are the ones that make me realize that my husband is my perfect match. We ‘get’ each other. We are always finishing each others’ sentences. Always on the same brainwave.

He is my rock and I appreciate all the little things he does for me.

He makes me my own cup of coffee in the morning before he goes off to work.

Leaves me little post it notes that say I love you!

Brings me home a cupcake he saved from his department potluck.

All of these things may seem minute for most people, but for me, they mean the world. My husband truly loves me, and I him. Sometimes it can take a lifetime to find the person that you will spend the rest of your life with. I was just one of the lucky ones who didn’t need to wait that long.

As for exercising, I think we will try a little harder to squeeze that into our life. Because walking is not only good for the body and mind, but it is good for the soul.

Cherish your husband or wife. Take them for a nice walk. You will thank me later.

My husband Daniel and I as teenagers in 1994.

My husband Daniel and I as teenagers in 1994.

And the winner is…

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

-George Carlin


Awakening to The Change

A few months ago, I started feeling like I was going through a change. Not THE change, but a different kind of change.

It’s kind of hard to explain. It’s one of those “woo woo” things.

I am talking about spirituality and chakras and qi. Life energy and meditation. The change that one goes through when they are starting to “wake up.”

I have read countless articles on Spiritual Ascension and spent many hours pondering my very existence. At times, I have felt like I am going completely crazy. I have crying spells that seem to come out of nowhere. My husband reminds me that sane people never question their sanity. He has a point.

to be continued…

On becoming a Mother to the Sisters who were never born

The year was 1996. I was sixteen years old when I became pregnant.

I never got the “birds and bees” talk from my parents. The only words of “advice” I got was from my father: “Don’t come home pregnant”.

A lot of good that did. When I did come home pregnant, my mom actually knew before I did. I wasn’t feeling right for weeks, I was getting dizzy spells on and off and I could’t focus on my school work.

One morning, I woke up with the worst headache I had ever had in my entire sixteen years of being alive. I told my mom that I had to stay home from school, and she allowed it. I was so tired and felt completely drained, so I fell back to sleep.

My mother woke me up and asked me if I was going to eat dinner.


She said that it was dinnertime and I had been asleep THE ENTIRE DAY. I just couldn’t fathom that I had been sleeping for that long. My head was feeling a bit better, so I went to go eat.

After dinner, my mom offered me some aspirin for my head. I took it and went into my bedroom.

Not twenty minutes later, I started feeling nauseous. It was so bad. I vomited and immediately felt better. My mother heard me and came into my bedroom. She asked “You’re not pregnant, are you?” I told her that I wasn’t. I truly believed that I was not pregnant at that time.

She went on to tell me about her younger years and how she had two abortions. I vaguely remember the story, but I do remember that she felt horrible about the fact that she had an abortion. Not just one, but two. I am pro-choice. I believe that a woman should have the right and the freedom to choose to bring a baby into this world. I supported my mother’s decision to have those abortions. She felt that it was the best decision for her at the time.

Fast forward to 2001.

My twin girls, Amanda Rose and Vanessa Lynn are now 5 years old. I am no longer with their father. We were never married.

I just lost my job and I am living in an apartment I can no longer afford. I am contemplating my future and the future of my children. I reached out for support at the unlikeliest of places: an adoption agency. I had a caseworker from the agency at my house less than a week later. She asked me what my plans were regarding adoption. I told her that I really didn’t have any plans, I just needed help. She told me that they could definitely provide me with the help and support that I needed.

In June of 2001, I gave my girls up for adoption. I hugged them for the last time, hoping in my heart that it wouldn’t be THE  last time.

Amanda said to me as we were hugging, “But I am going to miss you, Mommy.”

“But you are going to have a new Mommy,” I told her as I fought to hold the tears back.

It was a closed adoption, but the adoptive family had agreed to send me pictures of the girls every year, as well as a short handwritten note on their accomplishments. I still have those pictures and all of the letters. They live in a suburb of Chicago, that is about all I know.

2007 was the last year that I received pictures of my girls. The adoption agency that I had gone through, Birth Hope Adoption Agency, had been evicted from their offices here in Phoenix and had been shut down. I never received an email or a letter from the agency regarding the eviction. I had emailed my caseworker to inquire about more pictures, but I never received a response from her. That prompted me to drive to the adoption agency. When I got to the door to the agency, what I saw brought tears to my eyes and anger into my heart.

An eviction notice on the door. Boxes of files still sitting on top of a desk. Papers strewn around the office, like everyone had to get up and leave quickly, no time to straighten anything up. That was very hard for me to come to terms with. Now I understood why my caseworker never emailed me back.

Not one day goes by that I don’t think of my kids. I was just a baby when I had them. I still had a lot of growing up to do myself. Do I regret my decision of giving them up? Absolutely not. I know that they are in a well-adjusted family and that they are loved. And that is all I ever wanted for them. To have all the opportunities that I could never give them.

A lot of people might think I was selfish. Other people may think I was selfless. Whatever your position, know that I did it with purely good intentions for myself and my children. They helped me learn a lot of lessons very early in life for which I am eternally grateful.

Amanda and Vanessa will be sixteen on May 25, 2013, and I just pray that God steers them in the right direction so they may never know loss and grief as I know it.

These are the last photos that I received from Birth Hope Adoption Agency in 2007.

Amanda Rose, circa 2006

Amanda Rose, circa 2006

Vanessa Lynn circa 2006

Vanessa Lynn circa 2006

This post is dedicated to my Mother, Karen MaryBeth Williams. She took her own life on August 15, 2008.

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