On becoming a Mother to the Sisters who were never born

The year was 1996. I was sixteen years old when I became pregnant.

I never got the “birds and bees” talk from my parents. The only words of “advice” I got was from my father: “Don’t come home pregnant”.

A lot of good that did. When I did come home pregnant, my mom actually knew before I did. I wasn’t feeling right for weeks, I was getting dizzy spells on and off and I could’t focus on my school work.

One morning, I woke up with the worst headache I had ever had in my entire sixteen years of being alive. I told my mom that I had to stay home from school, and she allowed it. I was so tired and felt completely drained, so I fell back to sleep.

My mother woke me up and asked me if I was going to eat dinner.

“Dinner?”

She said that it was dinnertime and I had been asleep THE ENTIRE DAY. I just couldn’t fathom that I had been sleeping for that long. My head was feeling a bit better, so I went to go eat.

After dinner, my mom offered me some aspirin for my head. I took it and went into my bedroom.

Not twenty minutes later, I started feeling nauseous. It was so bad. I vomited and immediately felt better. My mother heard me and came into my bedroom. She asked “You’re not pregnant, are you?” I told her that I wasn’t. I truly believed that I was not pregnant at that time.

She went on to tell me about her younger years and how she had two abortions. I vaguely remember the story, but I do remember that she felt horrible about the fact that she had an abortion. Not just one, but two. I am pro-choice. I believe that a woman should have the right and the freedom to choose to bring a baby into this world. I supported my mother’s decision to have those abortions. She felt that it was the best decision for her at the time.

Fast forward to 2001.

My twin girls, Amanda Rose and Vanessa Lynn are now 5 years old. I am no longer with their father. We were never married.

I just lost my job and I am living in an apartment I can no longer afford. I am contemplating my future and the future of my children. I reached out for support at the unlikeliest of places: an adoption agency. I had a caseworker from the agency at my house less than a week later. She asked me what my plans were regarding adoption. I told her that I really didn’t have any plans, I just needed help. She told me that they could definitely provide me with the help and support that I needed.

In June of 2001, I gave my girls up for adoption. I hugged them for the last time, hoping in my heart that it wouldn’t be THE  last time.

Amanda said to me as we were hugging, “But I am going to miss you, Mommy.”

“But you are going to have a new Mommy,” I told her as I fought to hold the tears back.

It was a closed adoption, but the adoptive family had agreed to send me pictures of the girls every year, as well as a short handwritten note on their accomplishments. I still have those pictures and all of the letters. They live in a suburb of Chicago, that is about all I know.

2007 was the last year that I received pictures of my girls. The adoption agency that I had gone through, Birth Hope Adoption Agency, had been evicted from their offices here in Phoenix and had been shut down. I never received an email or a letter from the agency regarding the eviction. I had emailed my caseworker to inquire about more pictures, but I never received a response from her. That prompted me to drive to the adoption agency. When I got to the door to the agency, what I saw brought tears to my eyes and anger into my heart.

An eviction notice on the door. Boxes of files still sitting on top of a desk. Papers strewn around the office, like everyone had to get up and leave quickly, no time to straighten anything up. That was very hard for me to come to terms with. Now I understood why my caseworker never emailed me back.

Not one day goes by that I don’t think of my kids. I was just a baby when I had them. I still had a lot of growing up to do myself. Do I regret my decision of giving them up? Absolutely not. I know that they are in a well-adjusted family and that they are loved. And that is all I ever wanted for them. To have all the opportunities that I could never give them.

A lot of people might think I was selfish. Other people may think I was selfless. Whatever your position, know that I did it with purely good intentions for myself and my children. They helped me learn a lot of lessons very early in life for which I am eternally grateful.

Amanda and Vanessa will be sixteen on May 25, 2013, and I just pray that God steers them in the right direction so they may never know loss and grief as I know it.

These are the last photos that I received from Birth Hope Adoption Agency in 2007.

Amanda Rose, circa 2006

Amanda Rose, circa 2006

Vanessa Lynn circa 2006

Vanessa Lynn circa 2006

This post is dedicated to my Mother, Karen MaryBeth Williams. She took her own life on August 15, 2008.

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Cristina Bevir
    Oct 02, 2013 @ 11:00:15

    Dear Jennifer, I connected to your blog through HighHeartLife. Thanks for sharing your story, it is deeply moving. I got tingles just reading it and wondered if you had ever come across family constellations as a way of working with your family history. It’s a method that has really clarified things for me. Don’t mean to suggest you should be working on your family history, in any way shape or form, just the goosebumps I got when I wondered where really really strong, so I though I better pluck up the courage and write to you. Lots of love and a Big Hug! cxx

    Reply

  2. ~Juniper Love~
    Oct 02, 2013 @ 14:18:10

    Hello Cristina,
    Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog. I truly appreciate everyone who comes to me through my blogging 🙂 I have never heard of family constellations, so I will have to look that up. it sounds really interesting! I am open to all suggestion, so do not feel like you were wrong by saying I should be working on my family history. I am very interested in where my family lineage stems from, physically and spiritually ❤ I will also be visiting your blog and reading about your experiences. Thank you for the hugs!
    Peace, love and light ❤
    ~Juniper aka Jennifer

    Reply

  3. ~Juniper Love~
    Oct 02, 2013 @ 14:32:51

    Cristina,
    I searched for a blog under your profile, but there was none to be found. Do you blog?

    Reply

    • Cristina Bevir
      Oct 02, 2013 @ 14:54:34

      Hello Juniper, I was just about to say I don’t blog, I’ve just been playing with WordPress to see if I could set up a website for my coaching business, but it’s still in progress. I’m on Facebook though if you wanted to get a better idea of me? cxx

      Reply

  4. ~Juniper Love~
    Oct 02, 2013 @ 15:06:38

    Perfect! Thank you 🙂

    Reply

  5. Cristina Bevir
    Oct 02, 2013 @ 15:34:16

    Also let me know if you would like my favourite intro. links and books for family constellations 🙂 cxx

    Reply

  6. ~Juniper Love~
    Oct 02, 2013 @ 15:41:22

    That would be wonderful, thank you! I found a bit of information on family constellations already and it is very interesting.

    Reply

  7. Cristina Bevir
    Oct 02, 2013 @ 16:34:40

    Hello lovely, I love John Payne’s books. They are a really good intro.

    http://www.familyconstellations.net/

    Then Rosalba Stocco’s radio show, has a really wide range of interviews covering a wider range of ways people are using constellations.

    http://podroom.a2zen.fm/podcasts/rosalba-stocco

    Michael Reddy, has a good intro. book too as well as some recorded seminars on different constellations topics. He also has a method for doing constellations by yourself at home, using a kind of home altar.

    http://www.reddyworks.com/

    Reply

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